A Whirlwind of Doubt
Why did I fill up with doubt after the most beautiful date? Every thought turned to doubt in the blink of an eye. Have you ever wondered about this, if it’s happened to you? Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who have a deep-seated sense of self where it doesn’t matter what happens next. That all will work out. I hope so. And while I know everything will work out, I haven’t had the pattern of immediately going to that belief. I am creating it within me every day, through intentional work, especially when I feel a spiral of negativity or doubt. These doubts that arose even after this beautiful date are hard for me to express. To share some of them here is rather a leap of faith, but I know I cannot be the only person working through this type of thinking.
My thoughts wander to questioning whether the doubts that followed the date arose because of a lack of certainty in the next step. Uncertainty has kicked my ass a handful of times in the past few years. I felt it when I took a new job, moved to a new city, and when I broke up with another. This well of uncertainty bubbled over and wreaked havoc on my behavior and who I believe I am, who I am working to be. I was sad, disheartened, and lethargic. The uncertainty this time was only a moment, but it felt longer. Feeling it made me aware that so much of my reaction is a pattern I had run many times before, not the reality of the situation. In running this pattern, it struck me how easily it changed my beautiful date into a blur of doubt and anxiety that made it hard to even think of the happy moments. Instead of continuing down the path of doubt, I chose to focus on treasuring the beauty of the date, the moments of honesty, the realness of it, and to let go of expectation and embrace the thought of letting the other be free of my doubt and expectation. But I had to consciously work through it.
First, I messaged my coach. Second, I voiced my doubts to my date, in what I hope was a rational and adult way. Lastly, I did an exercise on what the truth of the situation really was. Through all of this, I got back to center. I remembered who I am and who I want to become for myself, and for others. The exercise was a restructuring of the doubts and focusing on the truths I knew.
Here are some of my truths:
The truth is there will be doubts. The truth is there will be uncertainties. The truth is every one of the doubts is only a thought and not based on any fact of the date itself. The truth is I loved every minute of the day and night; I loved talking and being 100% me. I am going to choose to give the other that same 100% to be himself, even if it pushes against some of my preconceived expectations. My expectations are my doubts, and I won’t allow my doubts to ruin the potential of a heartfelt connection, whatever form that connection takes.
The truth is he’s moving. The truth is he’s deciding on a new career position. The truth is moving, and change, take considerable effort. The truth is there are other considerations involved.
The truth is all the unknowns and hopes that flit through my head sometimes take control and run away with my thoughts.
Other truths – I didn’t know I would like him as I did. I didn’t know I would get along with him as I did.
The truth is it all scares me. The truth is my old patterns of fears gripped me and brought about fear of, well, everything, every positive and negative outcome I could think of, even as I tried to tell myself to stop. This is not who I want to be. This is not who I am, but I have to acknowledge I followed the old pattern of following the doubts.
The truth is, in my heart, I know who I am and what I want. This truth is I will connect with another at some point. The truth is I want to live from a place of bravery. The truth is when I step back from fear and into who I am, I know the one question I want to ask of another is “what do you need now in this moment?” Sometimes the answer is to step back, sometimes it’s to walk away to give them time and space. Other times, it’s the opposite. I don’t get to make that call or assumption.
The truth is I know I will slip into doubt again. I know also, I will step back out.
My brave self knows its truth; knows its desires. One of them is wanting to live beyond the doubt. To live out loud and enhance all the beautiful days with another person, our friends, and our families.
While I don’t know what will come next, I know I will choose to live life vulnerably. I will remember to make the choice to live in truth. Sometimes I’ll mess up. Sometimes I’ll face a pattern I wish I didn’t have.
Maybe the truth in this moment is I needed to be taken away by doubt to show me I could come back from it – in a way differently than I had ever done before; maybe I’m not the only one to whom there was a reason for the beautiful date to happen. Who knows what’s going on at the other end of things. So, here’s to living out loud and vulnerably.
“The only impossible journey is the one you never begin.”
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