Anxiousness to Awareness

I’ve been pondering my anxiousness lately. Thinking about the stories I’ve told myself around dating, around what makes me feel good or not, or what makes me feel significant, certain, loved, or brings variety to my life, growth, and
contribution? It’s a lot to think about. And it’s keeping me up much too late at night or up too early, but it’s burning through me, and I feel like right now is the time to face it all. Fight it, accept it, break it, whatever it is. All the doubt. All the past I’ve brought to my present. The love’s lost and gained, and most importantly memories cherished and people whose lives and spirit touched me and I them.

These questions are as endless as the ocean tides, so I need to set some limits on this pondering process. No matter, I’m starting here.

I’ve began with asking, how does what I’ve told myself for years serve me? Especially the negative. These thoughts must have served me someway or they wouldn’t still be here. How have the old patterns, habits, stories met something I need in my life, not just a want, an actual human need? How many old stories have we brought forward because they appeared to meet a need inside of us? Do they really? Are they true? Do we want to hang onto them? Do they actually enhance our lives? I’m seeing so many things that don’t enhance my life. So many
limitations I’ve put on myself in relationships with co-workers, lovers, acquaintances, or simply relating to those I’m only getting to know. These patterns and stories are destructive at times. I don’t want to destruct my life. I don’t want my past limiting my future. I’m at the pinnacle of creating this big,
beautiful, alive life. I no longer feel constrained by thinking I must have a certain career, or be a certain way, or fall in love and have kids. There are so many beliefs and patterns placed on us throughout our lives that we don’t become aware of until much later. That’s what I’m doing now – becoming aware. I will live now. I will mess up. I’ll probably make some people angry or uncomfortable along the way, but I won’t stay in old limiting beliefs linked to an old failure or someone else’s limitations.

Working through all of this, there are days I feel on top of the world. I feel in love with life. I enjoy conversation and hearing other’s stories with my whole being. Other days I can hardly form a sentence. The former is happening more often. That is growth. I celebrate that. The rest, the negative stories, the lows, the not having a thing to say, well, I’ll chalk those up to part of the growth too because at least I have an idea of where they’re coming from now. Confronting my rather daunting demons has been life changing. The best thing I’ve ever done, other than the connections I’ve made with others.

Strength to face our limiting stories. Break the patterns that followed. Begin again. And not just again but as many times as it takes. These are the words running through my head, for everyone.

Link to a notable book about the stories we tell ourselves. “The Gifted Storyteller” https://amzn.to/3ZwsNzr